Praise and encouragement is as important to children as three square meals a day. Feeling loved and appreciated feeds their confidence, while friendly, loving advice helps them grow up strong, happy and secure.

But childcare experts believe that not all praise works to boost children's confidence. In fact, it could do the exact opposite, says parenting writer Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of 'Raising and Praising Boys' and 'Raising and Praising Girls' (Vermilion, £6.99).

Here's her advice for accentuating the positive:

1. Avoid the adoration trap. Resist the temptation to gush and put children on a pedestal. Boys, in particular, hate it. Praise what they've done, not who they are: kids won't build up strength and inner reserves if they feel they have to 'earn' your love all the time.
Ways to say it: 'That was a terrific goal you managed to score against a tough opposition. You pulled out all the stops for that one…' works better than 'You are terrific on the football pitch. I love you so much.'

2. Let your children know you enjoy their company. Teens particularly get a huge boost from knowing that you like spending time with them and admire their values.
Ways to say it: 'We had fun watching Strictly Come Dancing together tonight. It makes me laugh when you shout out the scores before the judges.'

3. Add details to develop confidence. Think of simple ways to describe the wonderful, small things your child does every day: it will build up their self-belief from the inside out.
Ways to say it: 'I love the way your nose wrinkles up when you smile.'

4. Focus on the pleasure they get from achievements, so they learn to do things for the feel-good factor it gives them. Sometimes taking the 'I' out of praise, takes the pressure off your kids to do things to please you.
Ways to say it: 'Wow, you must have been really pleased with your performance tonight up there on stage.' Works better than, 'I'm so proud of the way you got up there on stage tonight.'

5. Give girls a boost to their self-belief. They're more likely than boys to doubt themselves, so encourage them to praise their own achievements.
Ways to say it: 'I know your coach was pleased, but how do you think you did at football today?' 'How did you think your project went at school?'

6. Offer boys praise little and often. Boys don't always have the same staying power as girls, and tend to work best in short bursts. Small nuggets of praise keep them going.
Ways to say it: 'Nice work.' 'Keep going… you're doing well.' 'Well tried.' 'You're working hard today.'

7. Don't wait for perfection. Boys, in particular, like to hold something of themselves back. Make sure they know you are confident in their ability to learn, and they'll have confidence in themselves.
Ways to say it: 'You'll soon get the hang of this.' 'You'll realise when the time is right for you.' 'I have every faith in you.'

8. Clear the air of competition. Let your kids know you're impressed. Let them take all the credit, too. It's may be tempting to remind them that without your help they wouldn't even have made it to the pool, let alone won a swimming race, but don't!
Ways to say it: 'I could never have done that sum when I was eight.' 'I wish I had the confidence to swim like you do.' 'You can run much faster than a few months ago… I'm impressed!'

9. Be specific… it helps children, particularly boys, to accept praise if you describe in detail what they've done right, so that they know what they need to do for next time.
Ways to say it: 'You sorted out your argument out with James today over which Playstation game to play. Then you were both able to get on with having a good time.'

10. Praise doesn't have to be words. A smile, a ruffle of the hair, is often all they need. And ban being 'good'. 'Good' is a shorthand word that doesn't usually tell children enough.
Ways to say it: 'You're my lovely girl.' 'You're my fun boy.' Works better than 'Good girl/Good boy' because it says your child is lovable and fun – an instant boost to self-esteem.