Focus on behaviour Behaviour is a way of getting what we need. The best way to help children learn about behaviour is to help them understand their needs and show them how they can get those needs met in ways that don't upset other people.
Acting quickly when your child's behaviour is upsetting you will help avoid a crisis. But focus on the behaviour and not on them as a person. Instead explain what you need, 'When I see dirty dishes all over the kitchen, I feel frustrated because I would really like some help so that I can sit down and rest'.
Tips
Set out to help, not punish Tell them clearly what you want and why Look after yourself so that you are not over-reacting as a result of stress Avoid negative criticism like, 'You're so selfish and lazy'. Words like these can effect your child's self-esteem and suggest their behaviour is inevitable - they were born that way - rather than giving them the chance to feel good about their actions and feel good about it Appreciate your child for helpful behaviour through smiles, hugs, praise and thanks Setting boundaries
When a child is small, we often use boundaries to protect them and keep them away from harm or danger. But it is important that you explain why boundaries are there - for instance, if you pull away from an open fire explain why.
When parents give orders, children often dig in their heels. One way to stop this happening is to let them know why something is important. Boundaries are about setting the bottom line or making agreements about what is acceptable and what is not. Boundaries work far better if they are made and agreed by everyone. When children see the sense of it, or know you've taken their opinions into account, they are more motivated to co-operate.
As children grow, most will test the limits - this is quite normal behaviour. When they become teenagers you may need to change or amend these boundaries to reflect different or new behaviours and experiences. When you do this, involve your child so that you can negotiate the new boundaries together.
Too many boundaries can cause resentment and be impopssible to 'police'. Work out what is really important to you and what you could let go. Rules can help you keep your child safe, but as they get older you will need to negotiate and let them take more reposnibilty for their own safety. There may be times when your values conflict with the values that your children are learning from other people and the media. This may be when you find yourself negotiating.
Tips Remember that setting boundaries can sometimes make children feel safe when the world seems otherwise out of control Occasionally giving children responsibility for their own safety is a good thing Let them make choices
Children are far more likely to co-operate if they feel trusted and part of a team. Giving them choices focuses their attention on action rather than resistance: 'You can catch the last bus home from the party at 10 or we'll come and collect you at 11. You choose.'
Rescuing or punishing your child doesn't help them make the link between their own actions and what happens because of them. Letting them deal with the consequences does: 'You wore your school shoes to play in and now they're muddy. There's a cloth under the sink.'
Tips
During an outburst try to stay calm and after your child has calmed down, talk about what happened, their feelings and help them work out how they can behave differently the next time they feel like that Remember that compromising doesn't mean failure. It shows that you are listening, valuing their opinions and letting your children take more responsibility for themselves Explain your point of view and why you don't agree with some of the things they are doing Parentline Plus is a national charity that works for and with parents, offering help and support through an innovative range of free, flexible and responsive services - shaped by parents for parents. For more information visit Parentline Plus.
