The order we're born in – first, middle or youngest child – is outside our control. So it can make us uncomfortable to think that our birth order can play a significant part in our success, our personality – the direction of our life. Surely, these things are not set before we even get started?

The importance of birth order was first set out by the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler. Michael Grose, an Adlerian-trained parenting expert and author of Why First-borns Rule the World and Last-borns Want to Change It (£12.99, Random House), explains the basics. 'We're in a Darwinian struggle from the moment we're born, fighting for scarce resources within a family – our parents' time, love and affection,' he says. Through human evolution, birth order has determined who inherits power (the first-born) and who is sent to war (the youngest as he was the 'spare').

Grose has found birth order a useful tool when dealing with adult clients. 'Recently, I was approached by a professional in her forties who was basically worn out,' he says. 'She admitted that, as a child, she was always playing catch-up with her sister, who was two years older than her. She had always tried to run as fast and be as clever, and the pattern had played out her whole life.

Behaviour patterns
As an adult, she was competitive in everything – she'd replaced her older sister with her colleagues, her boss, her friends. Despite career success, she was never happy with herself. Helping her see the problem through the context of birth order put her on the path to understanding and modifying her behaviour patterns.'

Cliff Isaacson, author of Birth Order Effect for Couples (£9.99, Fair Winds), believes birth order can even help you find a partner. 'Two third-borns make the best couples,' he says. 'They relate without conflict, there's a lot of humour and they make a protective environment for their children. Two first-borns rarely connect, there's no compromise, it's not a happy relationship.'

Re-learning your role
According to Isaacson, however, birth order is not a fixed state. 'It's a set of strategies developed in childhood to cope with your siblings (or lack of them), parents and the family situation,' he says. 'As you get older, you may learn other ways of interacting with your peers. The best reason for studying your birth order is to understand yourself or your children a little better – then overcome it.'

How to parent according to birth order: The pitfalls and preventative measures from birth-order parenting expert Michael Grose.

Only Child
Let them have a childhood, don't burden them with adult issues or parental expectation. Involve them in peer-group situations and encourage sharing by suggesting that they give toys away when they've outgrown them. They'll also benefit from keeping pets so they learn to nurture. Sleepovers are good as they learn they can't have their own way all the time.

First-Borns
They are conscientious and they often take life seriously. Help them to lighten up by not searching for mistakes. Don't be overly critical – try not to breathe down their necks and pressure them to achieve. Balance extra responsibilities they get with extra privileges, such as a later bedtime.

Middle children
They may feel squeezed, so make sure you spend time alone with them. Find out what's special about them and encourage it, rather than putting him or her through the same paths, same clubs, same everything as the older sibling. Avoid comparing a second-born to an elder sibling, which can act as a discourager.

Last-Borns
Make sure they're not spoiled or babied. Pass responsibility on to this child, and discipline him or her as much as the others. If you're asking the older children to tidy up, find something for the youngest to do, too. You must let go of this child and resist the temptation to overprotect them.

This is an extract from a feature taken from Psychologies. For further details and to subscribe, visit Psychologies. The current issue of Psychologies magazine is now on sale in newsagents nationwide