Men rant and rage and women get on with things – don't they? But the fairer sex may have more of a problem than anyone realises. Men typically have more avenues for venting their anger, including war, cutthroat business, combat, extreme sports, play fighting and aggression. They are encouraged to vent their anger by society, and the macho image is reinforced by media. We're not used to seeing women express their anger forthrightly, but one man is seeking to change all this.
'Judging by the conversations I have had with thousands of participants in anger management courses over the last five years, I have come to the conclusion that women are generally angrier than men,' says Mike Fisher, founder of the British Association of Anger Management (abbreviated to the appropriate sounding 'BAAM').
They may have good reason to be, but women aren't taught how to express these feelings. 'They tend to be afraid of feeling anger and so to internalize and bury it,' says Mike. The energy used in keeping a lid on this anger acts 'like a pressure cooker' -turning it inwards. Women then become angry at themselves, and this becomes depression.
'Women are twice as likely to suffer from depression as men,' according to new figures from the BAAM. 'The risk increases for mums who are in stressful jobs or bringing up small children without much support,' says Mike. And it's only going to a get worse. With our increasingly stressful lives, more than 30 million prescriptions are now given out annually for depression related illnesses in the UK. As well as depression, the self hatred caused by suppressed anger can lead to eating disorders. Anorexia, Bulimia and binge eating, traditionally associated with insecure teenage girls, are now on the rise amongst women aged 30 plus and 1.5 million Britons now suffer from eating disorders.
Triggers
So what causes the anger in the first place? 'That's the tricky thing,' says Mike, 'stress causes anger, and anger causes stress. The more stressed you are the more predisposed you are to becoming irritable and eventually angry'. 'Stress and bottled up anger often go hand in hand with an underlying shame,' according to Mike and this can manifest itself in perfectionism, judging and envying others, and the desire to be liked at all costs.
Symptoms
Bottling up your anger impacts on your quality of life and the strain will show. Women who suppress their stress are more likely to suffer from premature ageing, muscular tension, and deep furrows on the forehead (BAAM research). Prolonged stress can lead to insomnia, digestive disorders like IBS, loss of libido, skin disorders such as eczema and shingles, a weakened immune system and even a greater risk of cancer.
Check your pulse
Think you might need help with anger management? Here are some behavioural patterns to look out for:
A tendency to try and manipulate othersA guardedness and cagey approach to relationshipsThe desire to appear self sacrificing and a martyrDevious and extreme behaviour such as dieting or eating obsessivelySelf criticismFeelings of hopelessnessThe only way out of anger is through it
No one is completely free from anger and conflict is a necessary part of maturing emotionally. 'Anger management is about learning positive strategies to manage anger and reduce the amount of stress you experience,' says Mike, making you happier, more relaxed, and a nicer person to be around.
First, recognize and tune in to the source of your anger. Rather than avoiding confrontation, learn to communicate. When you feel your blood pressure rising, stop and think:
How do I feel?What am I thinking?What do I want and need?Am I willing to take responsibility for my own behaviour?Am I willing to listen and see their side of the story?The next step is learning to counter the negative voices in your head. Try repeating these phrases next time you're feeling the strain:
It's none of my business what other people think of meIf someone doesn't like me it doesn't mean I'm unlikableI have a right to express and communicate my feelings and needsTackle the route cause
'Ultimately you need to face the pain of what's making you angry,' says Mike. Think about why you're feeling this way and, if necessary, think about getting professional help. As Mike says, 'the only way out of anger is through it.'
Beating Anger by Mike Fisher is available from Random House
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